From My Ongoing Letter To My Firstborn, Gabriel. -- Thank you for wanting me to fight you all the time. I was in a worship service recently and a pastor asked us to lift our hands to heaven and ask God to hold us in our hurt. Like a mother. Instead lifted a fist to heaven. “Dad, LET’S FIGHT!” I asked my father to wrestle with me. You popped into my head. Exactly your voice when you were just little little boy (you're six now. I was picturing your 3-year-old self) “Wet’s fight dadda” – a look of supreme assurance, strength, and determination on your face as you crouch and raise your fists. Freaking magic. You only want to be held by me when you are badly hurt, tired, or ill. But when you are whole – which is MOST of the time -- you want me to fight with you. To test your strength against mine. To grow. To laugh. To be in a bit of good-natured pain. To channel anger, aggression, and resentment and stubbornness into a high-stakes creative and dramatic story. To act out the grand drama of struggling against the universe…other people…evil…and even yourself. I wouldn’t know that about myself..that I wanted to wrestle with God as a deep desire for the love of the father. A desire for him to grow me -- I wouldn't know that if it weren't for you, son. You taught me that. Jacob – in the old testament – had 12 BOYS. Don’t you know he had his fair share of wrestling in fatherhood. (both figurative and literal). And the way he conceptualized his relationship with God was one of a struggle. Wrestling. Fighting with God for His blessing. It left it’s mark – but it also changed and his legacy forever. I want that for me. I want that for you – that’s why I rarely turn you down for a bout. Let all those who are hurting raise their hands to heaven for a hug. He is faithful to meet us in our hurt. I need that every now and again – to weep in my father’s arms, feel His love and understanding, and be reborn anew to face the suffering of the day forthrightly, with patience, purpose, and maybe even with a little joy. But. Most of the time. I’d rather wrestle with my Father in heaven. Let Him challenge me, grow me, delight in me, and teach me to push my limits. To shake me up, throw me around, and snuff out anything that's not useful, fun, or courageous in me. I believe you feel the same way. It’s one of the many things that I love about you. Thank you, Gabriel. I love you.

Posted by Coach Alex VanHouten at 2022-02-19 13:21:21 UTC